


Shenanigans in Which Wild Eats Anything

by Windthief



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Gen, Linked Universe (Legend of Zelda)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:48:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27487558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windthief/pseuds/Windthief
Summary: Some short stories in which the Linked Universe crew finds out that Wild is a bit feral and can eat literally anything.Inspired by the fact that in-game BoTW Link can eat anything.Meant to be lighthearted/funny.
Comments: 67
Kudos: 330





	1. Anything is Edible if You Can Swallow it

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something with Wild being a gremlin child and eating things he shouldn't, so this was created.
> 
> I headcanon that the Shrine of Resurrection made BoTW Link's/Wild's immune and digestive system really powerful, thus making him immune to most poisons and illnesses. I mean come on this guy can eat raw meat, dubious food, wood, freaking _rocks_ and he's perfectly fine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the crew finds out that Wild is a gremlin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild warnings:  
> Involves Wild eating rotten meat and a very minor bleeding nose.

It was just after sunrise, the air still crisp. The Heroes were busy dismantling camp and making preparations for the day ahead. Wild was cooking breakfast; from the looks and smell of it, omelets.

Unable to wait until breakfast was ready, Wind rummaged through the bag containing his spare food, looking for a snack. He wrinkled his nose as a putrid scent wafted out, mingling with the smell of eggs coming from Wild’s cooking pot. Wind pulled out a strip of what-used-to-be roasted meat and gagged.

“Hey, uh, Time, my meat has gone bad. Should I just throw it into the forest?” Wind asked uncertainly, holding the meat with outstretched arms towards the elder.

“That’d probably be best- I’m sure some animal will come by and eat it,” Time replied as he and the others backed away from Wind, making disgusted faces.

Wind nodded. “Alright.” He walked to the edge of camp to dispose of the meat but froze in his tracks as an unholy shriek pierced the air. Startled, the heroes drew their weapons and looked around frantically for the source.

It was coming from Wild.

Wild had abandoned his post at the cooking pot and dashed by Wind, snatching up the meat as he passed. He then scrambled up a nearby boulder, hissing at the others as he perched on the top, staring down judgingly.

“Wild, what in the name of _Hylia-_ ” Legend started, only to have the hissing intensify.

 _“How could you discard perfectly good food?!?!”_ Wild screeched, waving the meat around like a lunatic.

The others stared blankly.

“Er, Wild, that meat is rotting,” Sky said quietly, looking nervous.

“So? Sure, it looks, smells, and tastes bad, but it’s still _edible!_ ” Wild shouted back, making Sky flinch a bit.

“Uh, no it’s not-” Warriors muttered.

“Wild, what the heck is wrong with you??” Twilight gave Wild a confused and concerned look. “You’ll get sick if you eat that!”

“No I won’t,” Wild stated, shoving the meat into his mouth.

 _“WILD, NO!!”_ Time shouted, clambering up the boulder and attempting to pry Wild’s mouth open. _“You’re not allowed to eat that!!”_

“Yeah! If you get sick, we’ll have to eat Hyrule’s cooking!” Four called up, soon followed by an _“Ow!”_ as Hyrule elbowed him.

“MMFF- MFHFKAHKJRHG!!” Wild protested, squirming away from Time. He slid off the boulder and made a dash for the trees, Time and the others pursuing.

 _“GET BACK HERE!!”_ Time ordered as Wild shimmied up a tall tree with ease, his mouth still full.

“Whoa, how’d he get up there so fast?” Wind gasped in awe, his head tilted back.

“More importantly, how do we get him _down?_ ” Twilight pointed out.

“Leave that to me,” Hyrule said, walking to the cooking pot.

He cleared his throat.

 _“WILD, THE OMELETS ARE BURNING!!”_ Hyrule screamed. He’d meant to say that just to get Wild’s attention, but they were, in fact, burning. Hyrule attempted to save them.

Quick as a flash, Wild was back on the ground, making a beeline for the cooking pot. Time tackled him before he reached it, sticking his fingers into Wild’s mouth in an attempt to get the meat out. Wild promptly bit Time’s hand and sped off when he recoiled, snickering.

Hyrule had somehow set the omelets on fire.

Wild shoved him aside and took over, managing to put out the flames. Luckily it didn’t look like Hyrule had totally sabotaged their meal.

Once Wild had gotten the cooking pot under control and dished up the food, Time tackled him again. Wild let out a triumphant laugh. “You’re too late, Old Man! I already swallowed it!”

 _“Dang it, Wild!”_ Time huffed in frustration as he got up, glaring at the younger hero. Wild stuck his tongue out, a smug grin on his face. Time stalked off.

“Well, hey, at least our breakfast was saved,” Four pointed out, eating his omelet happily.

“Yeah, but now Wild will get sick and we’ll have to wait Hylia-knows-how-long for him to recover,” Legend pointed out bitterly, stabbing his food with a fork.

“I already told you, I won’t get sick,” Wild waved his hand dismissively.

“Not on my watch, you won’t,” Time stated, having returned with a health potion.

Before Wild could run off again, Twilight grabbed him from behind, pinning his arms to his side. “UNHAND ME YOU TRAITOR!!” Wild screeched hysterically, kicking wildly. Time unstopped the bottle in his hand and attempted to get Wild to drink it.

Keyword being ‘attempted.’

Wild thrashed around frantically. “NO! _DON’T WASTE A POTION ON ME YOU IDIOT!!_ ” He kicked Time’s chest with full force, making the older hero stumble, then Wild jerked his head back, smashing it into Twilight’s face. Twilight dropped Wild with a shout of pain and clutched his nose, which had started bleeding. 

Wild scurried away again, hissing loudly. He disappeared into the trees.

Wind raised his eyebrows as he watched Wild run off. “I've seen Wild eat a lot of things, including rocks, but _wow,_ I did _not_ expect him to eat _that._ ”

“Hold up- He eats _what now-_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -The comment at the very end is meant to be Time, but honestly it could be any of them
> 
> -Wild thinks that eating anything is perfectly normal and doesn't get why everybody freaked out so much


	2. Maybe it's Not Edible if You Unswallow it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Wild finds out that broccoli -and Sky- are evil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to FlamingPotatoArson for the title!
> 
> Mild warning:  
> Non-descriptive vomiting.
> 
> This is less chaotic than the last chapter, but I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Broccoli isn't found in the wild in real life but heck, this is a fictional story about a fictional universe so I can do what I want.

It had been nearly a week since the rotting meat incident and Wild had shown no symptoms of illness. Time had tried a few times to get him to drink a potion anyway, just in case, but he’d ultimately given up on day three when Wild had threatened him with bombs. If he was being honest, Time was almost disappointed that Wild hadn’t gotten sick and learned his lesson.

Of course, now everyone was suspicious of Wild’s cooking. Before the incident they’d barely paid any attention to what ingredients he used; now they always had at least one person posted by the pot while Wild cooked to make sure he didn’t throw anything dubious in. For the most part Wild didn’t put in anything weird, but twice he was caught attempting to sneak in some monster parts. Wild had insisted that they were good for you but nobody dared trust him on that, though Hyrule looked pretty tempted to try some chuchu jelly.

Other than that, and giving Wild suspicious looks whenever he put something in his mouth -Sky swore he saw him eating a tree branch once-, the group continued on their journey as usual. 

As of now, they were walking along a forest path, hoping to find a town where they could stock up.

Wild stooped down for a moment and picked a bunch of small, bright red mushrooms. He happily popped one into his mouth. Legend, who was closest, didn’t bother to try stopping him. Wild held the mushrooms out to Legend, beaming.

“Want one? They’re really good.”

Legend glanced at the fungus in the cook’s hands, then rolled his eyes. “I’m pretty sure those would kill me, they look poisonous.”

Wild ate two more. “Your loss,” he shrugged, then stored the remaining shrooms in his Sheikah Slate for later. He wanted to try cooking with them sometime. But maybe just for himself. Legend seemed pretty stuck up on them being poisonous, whatever that meant.

The group walked along the path until evening, having only encountered a few monsters on the way. Wind climbed a tree and used his telescope to see if there was a town nearby.

There wasn’t, so the heroes started setting up camp for the night. Wild took his usual seat by the cooking pot and looked through his Slate’s inventory, unsure what to make for dinner. Sky came up to him, as it was his turn to ‘babysit’ Wild.

“What are we having tonight?” Sky asked, peering over Wild’s shoulder at the Slate. Wild shrugged. “Not sure. What are you craving?”

Sky thought for a bit. “Vegetable stew?” he suggested. “I found something yesterday you could put in.” 

Wild watched as Sky rummaged through his bag, soon pulling out a plant that looked like a miniature leafy tree. He held it out to Wild.

“That’s not touching my pot.”

Sky gave Wild a confused look. “It… What? It’s just broccoli.”

“I don’t trust it,” Wild glared at the broccoli like it had just taken all his rupees.

“Have… Have you never had broccoli before?” Sky asked, his eyes widening in amazement and amusement.

Silence.

Sky laughed. “Two days ago I saw you _eating_ a tree branch, but you refuse to _touch_ this??” He waved the broccoli at Wild, who recoiled and hissed.

That just urged Sky to do it more. He lightly tapped Wild’s chest with the plant’s leafy top.

“ _GET IT AWAY FROM ME!_ ” Wild screeched and ran away, hiding behind Warriors. Warriors looked around for any signs of danger, but only saw Sky laughing with a plant in his hand.

“What’s got you all spooked, kid?” Warriors asked down to Wild, who was glaring daggers at Sky.

“Sky is trying to kill me,” the cook replied shortly.

Warriors looked from Wild to Sky, then back again. “Sky is the _least_ likely to kill you. What did you do, break the Master Sword?” he joked.

Wild shook his head. “I didn’t touch the Sword! He’s trying to... poison... me.” He still didn’t fully know what ‘poison’ meant, so he hoped he’d used the word in the right instance.

Warriors snorted in amusement. “With what, that broccoli?” He gestured to the plant in Sky’s hand. Sky smiled and waved innocently.

“It’s evil!” Wild insisted, elbowing Warriors when he burst out laughing.

“ _Ow!_ Look, kid, I can assure you, that plant is safer than whatever the heck you were eating earlier today with Legend.”

“Legend didn’t eat any,” Wild corrected. “He said they were poisonous.”

“Then there’s your proof!” Warriors patted Wild’s shoulder before shoving him back in the direction of Sky and the cooking pot. And that cursed broccoli.

Wild steeled himself as he walked over, swiping the vegetable from Sky and throwing it as far away as he could.

“Hey!” Sky looked somewhat insulted as he watched the broccoli fly away. He got up and went after it, leaving Wild to throw in a bunch of very-much- _not_ -evil vegetables into the pot. By the time Sky came back Wild was grinding some rock salt into the stew. He immediately glared at the broccoli in Sky’s hand.

“Wild, come on, it’s rare to find this plant in nature, please put it in-”

“No.”

“If you put it in I won’t tell Four I saw you eating his candy.”

“....Promise?”

“I promise.”

A beat.

“ _Fine_ , but if I get sick it’s all your fault.”

~

He got sick.

“ _I hate you,_ ” Wild groaned at Sky, shivering and clutching his lower torso. He’d just lost the contents of his stomach. Sky gave him an apologetic look, along with a wet rag. Wild took the rag and wiped his lips and chin, grimacing at the stomach acids in his mouth and nose.

“I am... genuinely shocked,” Time mused, his eyebrows raised.

“I still think it was the mushrooms,” Legend said. “There’s no way some _broccoli_ made you hurl.”

“Those mushrooms were _perfectly fine,_ ” Wild insisted, wincing as his throat burned. Legend rolled his eyes.

“It looks like Wild will be out of it for a day or two, at _least,_ ” Hyrule assessed the sick hero’s condition, then beamed. “Which means _I’m_ on cook duty!” he proclaimed, putting a hand on his chest proudly.

“ _Nooooo!!!_ ” Four wailed desperately. He grabbed Wild by the shoulders and shook him roughly. “You get better _right now_ or so help me I will-”

Wild jerked away from Four and barfed.

Hyrule smiled smugly at Four.

Four looked terrified.

“We’re all _doomed,_ ” Four groaned, face in his hands, before jerking up to point at Wind. “You! You used to help your grandma cook, right? You be the cook!”

“W-what?!” Wind put his hands up and backed away. “I can only follow recipes!”

“Wild! Give Wind your recipes!” Four insisted.

Wild groaned before mumbling, “I don’t use recipes, I just cook.”

Four screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Sky was eventually designated as cook, but Wild refused to touch anything he made.
> 
> -Was it the mushrooms that made Wild sick, or the broccoli? We may never know....
> 
> -I only just realized that Twilight is never mentioned. oops. I'm sure he's around somewhere.
> 
> If I write more of this than it'll probably just be one-shots of Wild being a gremlin.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [What Do You Have In Your Mouth!?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29337720) by [Dawnmoon76](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dawnmoon76/pseuds/Dawnmoon76)




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